Following my dilemma about whether or not to try again in January I decided that odds on I was unlikely to get pregnant straight away anyway but I needed to feel like I was doing something. Plus we were happy enough with the doctor’s response to our questions about spotting. So we started trying.
Unbelievably I got pregnant straight away. It normally takes 5 or 6 months so I was completely taken by surprise & delight. I only tested because I was going out for drinks and given that I was a bit overdue I thought I’d do a test just to confirm that it was late but it was on it’s way and that I could have a drink.
That was just 4 days ago. Last night I noticed a darker shade on the tissue when I wiped. I’ve had this so many times now that I’m highly alert to any changes in cervical mucus. Upon further investigation I discovered traces of blood. Bad news.
I rang the EPU and gave my name. Oh yes, you’ve been in a few times haven’t you?” said the receptionist. Erica, my regular nurse, isn’t worried. “It’s most likely implantation bleeding” she told me. I really hope so.
But I don’t get implantation bleeding. The way it goes is this: I notice brown discharge when I wipe. Then a day or two later I get pink discharge. Then a day or two later a little bit of blood. Eventually after a few torturous weeks a scan confirms the worst and we go back to the beginning.
Plus I didn’t think implantation bleeding happened at 5 weeks. I thought it only happened before your period was due.
My scan is booked for next Friday. Eight long days away. I’m dreading it already. I hate sitting in the waiting room next to the pregnant women who have got further than I ever have. My husband and I are desperate to be one of those couples that come out clutching a photograph. We always come out smiling. I’m determined not to let it show on my face how gutted I really am.
In the meantime I have to be patient. I have to relax and try not to think about it but it’s no mean feat. I’m constantly aware of a feeling of wetness & each time I go to the toilet I’m nervous to wipe. I’m reminded all the time about it. How can I possibly not be?
When I had my first miscarriage my friends didn’t know what to say. It was Christmas time & my friend (whom I spoke to every week) said she’d get in touch in the new year when things had settled down. January came & we’d arranged for her & two other friends to come and stay. I heard nothing until the day before when one of the girls forwarded me a text from one of the others saying she was too busy & that I wouldn’t like it but that was too bad. I never heard anything from that friend directly. February came & went, as did March. I was invited (via a general Facebook invite) to the friend’s birthday but I miscarried at her house and still can’t bring myself to go back there so I declined. In the last week of August she finally made contact. AUGUST! She said she hadn’t known what to say. She is just one example.
I didn’t tell anyone about my chemical pregnancies. No point.
But in October (my birthday) the grim reaper took away another baby from me. And eventually I texted the few people who had actually helped me get through it the last time. These included two of my sisters. My sisters didn’t ring or text. I asked my mum why & she said “they don’t know what to say”. How so? When they got me through it last time??
There are others but I’ve vented enough. I just don’t fully understand the ‘not knowing what to say’ thing. I had friends miscarry before I did. I never knew what to say but I always made contact & always said something. Perhaps I didn’t do the right thing either. Perhaps I expect too much of others. Perhaps I’m just a cow and nobody rang because of that & it’s just a coincidence. I don’t know.
I’ve always tried to sound positive on the phone. I try not to let out my frustrations publicly at my miscarriages or at how little support I’ve had. That’s not going to make them want to ring me again! But somewhere along the line I feel I’ve been punished for miscarrying. It’s damaged how my friends and family perceive me.
Funnily enough my colleagues are pretty awesome. Even the annoying pregnant girl who I’ve never really gelled with doesn’t avoid me & quite bizarrely she doesn’t annoy me anymore. They see me everyday and they see that I didn’t grow an extra head, I haven’t broken down, I’m not an outwardly angry person who can’t be spoken to. I’m okay. But I’m feeling a little bit left out in the cold. And I AM a bit bitter about that.
So I mentioned last time that I have started seeing a herbalist. She couldn’t have been more highly recommended by a person who I trust & who also works in the NHS so she knows Western medicine. So far this herbalist has been amazing. She sorted out my digestive system – without offloading too much information here she resolved a lifetime history of a dodgy tummy in one month. She also stopped me waking in the night & since seeing her I’ve ovulated on day 14 (previously it was on day 22 or not at all) & I’ve been getting the magic egg-white – something I never had before. So I was pretty convinced that her approach was the way to go. BUT she’s making me wait until January before trying again. This was okay but my period came in fits and starts this month (5 days spotting, 2 days of bleeding, 3 days of nothing then 2 days of spotting). Unfortunately I think this means my hormones are imbalanced so I’m guessing that she’s going to suggest waiting another month. I just can’t bear the thought of waiting again. And what if my next period is the same?!
This week I attended the Recurrent Miscarriage clinic at my local hospital. The doctor there told me that happily all my tests are normal and that I need to start trying immediately as “the clock’s ticking”. I’m thirty-five. She wasn’t worried about the spotting & said historically this was a concern in fertility medicine but new research suggests that it doesn’t preclude a healthy pregnancy.
So who do I listen to? Do I take the up-to-date evidence-based research that says exactly what I want to hear (apart from the insinuation that I’m getting on a bit)? Or do I listen to my body and ultimately my herbalist, recognise the spotting as a sign of a problem & reluctantly wait a bit longer & put myself at more risk of infertility due to my age? Is the spotting really a problem? I want to believe it’s not.
The doctor suggested to make an appointment with a specialist as soon as I get pregnant who will keep an eye on me and do tests to look out for a miscarriage. Meanwhile the herbalist’s plan is more preventative in that she plans to rectify the problem before conception so there won’t be a miscarriage to look out for. My herbalist is very confident in her treatment plan and in her eyes if I follow the plan it’ll be worth the wait as I won’t miscarriage if I follow the plan. But how can she be so sure?
What would you do?!?
I regularly swing between wanting to wait again as I’d only worry about the spotting if I ignore it or trying now before its too late. What’s the worst that can happen? Another miscarriage. But can spotting do that??? Is it worth the risk? I’ve spotted for three years since I came off the pill. What if the spotting never goes?
I’m literally going round in circles …