This week I finally bade farewell (& good riddance) to the awful colleague who has left for maternity leave. She won’t be back for a year – hurrah!!! Interestingly not many people signed her card or put money in for a leaving gift. Her assistant & trainee both left this week too & they got way more signatures & contributions so that told me a lot about what people really think of her. I’ve always felt I was maybe just bitter about her being pregnant, although I’ve always disliked her, but it was reassuring to see that others felt the same.
So I finally felt like I could breathe again. And then I had lunch with friends. One friend of a friend is super loud and I find her okay for short periods but when we went away for our friend’s hen weekend she was very difficult & let’s just say that we didn’t gel. Anyway I was already dreading seeing her but what I wasn’t prepared for was the possibility that she might be pregnant.
She will know that I’ve had multiple miscarriages because I know a lot about her personal life from our mutual friend & I don’t assume that it doesn’t work the other way around. Firstly she looked dreadful. She’s a makeup artist and always looks stunning. Not today. Today she looked tired, she’s put on weight (she has a belly but she’s normally a size 8) and she had no makeup on. Plus: she wasn’t drinking (she ALWAYS drinks), she asked for her soft poached egg to be hard poached and she sat stroking her belly under her shirt. I’m fully aware how ridiculous it is that I observed all this but I have become obsessed with other women of child-bearing age. Of all the people to come straight into contact with after I’ve just got rid of one overbearing pregnant woman! Admittedly she wasn’t remotely loud about it. She’s obviously been sensitive to my past & hasn’t wanted to rub it in. That’s pretty nice of her. She said she didn’t like runny eggs rather than saying she couldn’t have them. That may have been to throw me off the scent. Or she might not be pregnant, however even my husband, who notices nothing, decided she was too. And I’m pleased for her. I don’t adore her but I don’t despise her either. I don’t wish this pain on anyone, so good for her. She’s a couple of years older than me and that actually gives me hope. But I still can’t help being gutted that I can’t do that simple thing that everyone around me seems to have no difficulties with. Remember I’d have been told if she’d had any trouble – our mutual friend is not discreet!
Everywhere I go I get reminders. I finally passed my pregnancy sac last week & the next day I had a letter from the health visitor asking to meet me & my baby – that was an awkward phonecall. I attended a baby shower – BTW what’s the deal with these things? Do we take another present after the baby is born? I can’t visit empty handed! One of my patients thinks she’s pregnant with rabbits, I visited my sister last week and found pregnancy supplements in her kitchen – I know that I’ve only mentioned a few baby things but trust me, I am literally surrounded by pregnancy stuff.
I know I need to stress less because the more stressed I get the more cortisol I produce which uses up my progesterone supply and that f***s up my cycle and increases my miscarriage risk when I start trying again. But how do I stop feeling like this when I can’t escape it? I would literally have to move to the moon to avoid pregnancy stuff. The fact that I can’t relax stresses me out even more. And I’m paying for acupuncture, yoga, herbalist treatment, private consultants, I’ve gone organic and chemical free which is not cheap. So spending all this money is stressful too but because I’ve changed so many variables I can’t stop anything because if I miscarry again I’ll wonder if I’d caused it by stopping something.
Any suggestions for de-stressing, other than yoga and meditation, would be great. Anyway, moan over. Maybe I just needed to offload that & now I’ll feel more relaxed! Here’s hoping …
So I’m finally coming to the end of my latest miscarriage. I say latest because although I’d love to believe it’s my last one I’m just not ready to commit that hope to print by saying “my last miscarriage” just yet. It feels like tempting fate. It’s taken six weeks for a 5-week pregnancy to miscarry & I’m still technically pregnant although not by much. By yesterday’s count my HCG levels were down to 13 so I’m pretty much done – hurrah!
The awful colleague has ramped up her excitement about her baby which is due next month & she only opens her mouth to talk babies or eat cake – both of which she does most of the time. I’m trying hard to ignore her & I’m mostly managing but my compassion for her has definitely vanished over the last six weeks.
I also lost my rag with the NHS recurrent miscarriage clinic because they won’t accept a referral until 6 weeks after I get a negative pregnancy test & they advised they’re only going to repeat the same tests I’ve had done before as they don’t offer anything different. So what’s the point? I understand their position but they refused to consider that there might actually be other tests that could be done before the six weeks is up i.e. a hysteroscopy or an examination of my pelvis, check my eggs or test my husband. The Specialist Nurse asked me twice what I expected them to do with my husband – erm, check his sperm?!? So I went private & have bagged myself a lovely consultant who saw me THE NEXT DAY, answered all my questions, arranged to check my eggs & my husband’s sperm for free & see me in his NHS clinic all before that precious 6-week window is up.
And today I received a letter from a health visitor telling me she’d like to come & meet me & my baby next month. From which pregnancy?? As far as they’re aware I should either have a nine-month-old or I’d be about 7 months or 4 months pregnant. Really someone should have mentioned to them that I still don’t have a baby & am not anywhere close right now.
So anyway back to my 2 month wait. I thought the 2 week one was hard. I’m waiting for two cycles so I can have my eggs checked & take some progesterone before trying again. This takes me to the beginning of May at the very earliest & that’s assuming my eggs are okay. I have filled literally each weeekend with visits & nights out to try to make the time pass & to give myself something to look forward to. But it feels like it’s an eternity away. May still fits nicely into my timescale though. I’ve always liked the idea of having a baby in the spring (naively I’d always thought I could time these things) & if I get pregnant in June then I won’t have to see my awful colleague for two years!! I’m well aware that the likelihood is I won’t get pregnant in June & I’m quite likely to still be at work & not pregnant when she comes back next April. For now I’m trying not to think about that – it’s twelve months away & I will go mad if I let myself obsess about that too.
Tomorrow it’s my friend’s “not a baby shower” baby shower. She doesn’t know anything about it & she might hate it because she’s miscarried twice before & although she’s almost due she won’t buy anything for the baby except a car seat which she’s packed away in the cellar so she can’t see it, just in case. Quite the oppositive from the awful colleague who’s bought two car seats – one for each car. My friend just can’t bring herself to believe it yet & I really hope that tomorrow doesn’t freak her out. Having never been to a baby shower before & certainly not one quite like this I have no clue what to take. I know she’ll feel uncomfortable receiving gifts for the baby but don’t want to be the only bitter & twisted person not buying a baby present. I’ve agonised over this for far too long & finally bought some bootees for the baby, a photo frame, some hand & lip cream for her & some sweets. I’m going to wrap them in paper for her & paper for the baby so she can choose what she wants to open & when. I hope she’ll enjoy it. I’m excited for her & feel it’s definitely her time to relax and be happy. Will it ever be mine? I’m actually not sure about that. I’ve started reading people’s blogs on RPL & adoption. I’m starting to try to plant the thought in my mind about adoption. I’m not ready yet but I need to start preparing myself for it.
For now though I’d like to get through these two months as quickly & pain-free as possible. Fingers crossed . . .