Moving on

Hi!  It’s been a while since I last blogged.  The last time was when I’d had two miscarriages in as many months. Last month we didn’t take any chances & we used protection all month. However I still managed to convince myself that I was pregnant! I had all my usual symptoms so I tested, knowing that it should be  (& would be) negative. I was disappointed. A phantom pregnancy! I think one of my rabbits had one when I was a child.  She made a nest and everything . . .

Although I’ve been quiet on the blogging front my head has been very loud and chatty.  Everyday I think constantly about when it’s going to work, if it’s going to work, how will I cope when one day I realise it’s never going to work?  If this latter question really is the case (& it’s a very real prospect) then I need to have a back-up.  Mentally, I mean.  I need to know that there’s life after infertility.  I realise now that I can’t stay in this life – this life has a bedroom in the house that has never been decorated because we saved it for our baby; this life has an Awful Colleague who may actually destroy my mental health when she returns from maternity leave; this life has family & friends who are always expecting me to be pregnant and who don’t ever want to talk about it but do go on about their kids and how difficult life is with children.  In this life all my infertile friends are no longer infertile.  In this life I am bitter and sad.  I need to move away – literally – and focus on a new life.

So I have a plan and I think it’s a nice one.  My husband and I are applying to live and work abroad.  We think we’ll be flat broke by the time IVF is over.  We start it in September – my consultant says he’s “seen enough now” to advise ICSI.  The Boy’s sperm DNA is 34% fragmented – not enough to cause seven miscarriages but enough to be a problem coupled with my eggs which he now says are not that great.  We don’t meet the criteria on the NHS because I’ve been pregnant in the last twelve months so we’re probably going to have to pay.  So moving to a tax-free location is sounding like a good idea because once IVF is over we’ll have some serious debts.  I’m thinking of approaching our manager to sound her out about a sabbatical.  It’s a good way of upskilling me for a year and I can hold onto my dream job.  It’s a win-win for me but I doubt she’ll go for it.  I like the idea of Singapore or the Emirates.  We should be able to get a decent salary in either country and experience a completely new culture.  Plus side – it’s warmer too!!  Moving away aims to give us time to grieve and move on with our lives.  I for one have become boring.  I spent a long time telling The Boy today about an armpit detox I did so that I can redress the hormone imbalance that’s causing me to sweat and it might fix any hormones that are causing my fertility – everything  I do is fertility-related!  I need to get a life & some new interests . . . !

In the short-term we’re still trying.  I’ve taken matters into my own hands and have started taking Aspirin now (not at BFP) and I’ll be taking Prednisolone from 2 days after ovulation (not from BFP) in addition to the Progesterone. My theory is that I miscarry so early now that the drugs don’t have time to do any good so I think I should take them sooner.  I’ve done a lot of research – I know the theory that Aspirin affects implantation but I don’t have any concrete evidence for that & I’ve found plenty to support taking it from CD1.  It’s a mini trial of my own.  I don’t expect it to work but it kills time while I wait for ICSI.

So I think we’re up to date.  I feel now like I’m at the beginning of my adventure, not at the end.  It’s liberating.  Let’s see if I can make it.