It’s been a quiet few months fertility-wise. I haven’t really been reading many blogs, I’ve not wanted to go onto the forums that much. I’ve tried to distance myself from the emotional rollercoaster that I’ve been on over the last two and a half years. I’m still aware that it’s a relatively short period of time, but in that time the majority of “infertile” contacts I’ve had are either pregnant or or they have had their babies by now. I’m happy for them & it frustrates me that I can’t help perceiving it as a reminder of what I can’t have and I allow it to hurt. I had thought it would give me hope but none of the other women have the same reason for infertility as us, so I find myself wishing I had an immune condition or a blood clotting condition which is easier to treat. The success rate for ICSI, which we need, is not as good as I’d hoped. So I’ve decided that distance is really what I need and I’ve also been trying to start the process of accepting that for me this might not work out.
Emotionally I have started to feel much better and this is for two reasons. Firstly, I’ve come off the steroids and Progesterone hormones that turned me into a raving, depressed lunatic. I know that they’re there to help a pregnancy but they failed to stop two of my miscarriages so I don’t think not taking them is a bad thing just yet. I’ll take them when I do IVF. Secondly, I am starting to feel that we’re getting towards the end of our journey. In a year or so we’ll have tried IVF a few times and either it will have worked or it won’t. But I should hopefully know either way. This might be a simplistic view – it may take longer than 2 years – but I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere.
Today The Boy & I heard that our request for ICSI funding has been approved. It took three attempts and six months to get them to say yes. I used everything I could think of to persuade them: I wrote a literature review about the efficacy of ICSI, I made a Freedom of Information request to find out the cost of my miscarriages to date and totalled how much I’d cost them without ICSI based on the last two years, I was open about how stressed I’d become, I wrote to my MP and she complained to the Chief Executive of the CCG on our behalf. Our CCG has never said yes to this kind of funding request before but today they did! I feel quite proud of myself that somehow we may have opened up a precedent for other couples.
I am not complacent. I do not know if this will work. But I do know that I have literally done everything I possibly can to have a baby. And that will help a great deal when the time comes to face our reality – whatever that is.