Clinging on

After my initial disappointment of not being able to start IVF this week I pacified myself with the thought that it was just a two month delay & that we’d be able to get started in March.  “No problem” I persuaded myself, “it’s a short wait & it’ll be worth it”.  Happily I got on with Christmas and cheered up.

This week however, I am in meltdown.

I contacted the hospital on Friday to ask whether a date has been set for the laparoscopy – they have no referral from my doctor.  Furthermore they can’t set a date until I’ve had an appointment to sign the consent forms etc. but that relies on him writing the referral.  I rang his office today and he’s written to me today (3 weeks after my appointment) to say it’ll take 6-8 weeks for a laparoscopy which is not what he said in the appointment.  So it’s not looking like I’ll have the surgery in January.  I get that so far I’ve only been extended by three months, not two, and that’s still not so long.  But  the doctor first said I could have IVF in June, then he said I didn’t qualify, then he said I would qualify but I’d have to write a letter and wait until September, then I got rejected twice for funding, then I got accepted but told to wait until December, then I was told January, then March and now April.  How many more times will I get pushed back?

In the meantime the colleague I’ve been suspecting of being pregnant is behaving more like she’s pregnant everyday.  And the awful Colleague will be back in May – probably just as my first cycle of IVF (if I ever get it) fails.

I am thinking super negatively at the moment.  I’m aware that it’s not good but I can’t keep positive.  I was positive a few times: 1) when I first got pregnant, 2) when I got pregnant the second time and 3) when I went to my last appointment where they scanned me because I’d been scanned so many times before I didn’t think there would be any shocks.  I was wrong to think positive – it doesn’t work for me.  I feel stupid when I’m positive and I turn out to be wrong.

I’ve decided to see a hypnotherapist.  I carefully selected the one I felt would be the best for me.  I’ve booked an appointment & committed to an extortionate fee.  Guess what?  She’s fucking pregnant.

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