After my initial disappointment of not being able to start IVF this week I pacified myself with the thought that it was just a two month delay & that we’d be able to get started in March. “No problem” I persuaded myself, “it’s a short wait & it’ll be worth it”. Happily I got on with Christmas and cheered up.
This week however, I am in meltdown.
I contacted the hospital on Friday to ask whether a date has been set for the laparoscopy – they have no referral from my doctor. Furthermore they can’t set a date until I’ve had an appointment to sign the consent forms etc. but that relies on him writing the referral. I rang his office today and he’s written to me today (3 weeks after my appointment) to say it’ll take 6-8 weeks for a laparoscopy which is not what he said in the appointment. So it’s not looking like I’ll have the surgery in January. I get that so far I’ve only been extended by three months, not two, and that’s still not so long. But the doctor first said I could have IVF in June, then he said I didn’t qualify, then he said I would qualify but I’d have to write a letter and wait until September, then I got rejected twice for funding, then I got accepted but told to wait until December, then I was told January, then March and now April. How many more times will I get pushed back?
In the meantime the colleague I’ve been suspecting of being pregnant is behaving more like she’s pregnant everyday. And the awful Colleague will be back in May – probably just as my first cycle of IVF (if I ever get it) fails.
I am thinking super negatively at the moment. I’m aware that it’s not good but I can’t keep positive. I was positive a few times: 1) when I first got pregnant, 2) when I got pregnant the second time and 3) when I went to my last appointment where they scanned me because I’d been scanned so many times before I didn’t think there would be any shocks. I was wrong to think positive – it doesn’t work for me. I feel stupid when I’m positive and I turn out to be wrong.
I’ve decided to see a hypnotherapist. I carefully selected the one I felt would be the best for me. I’ve booked an appointment & committed to an extortionate fee. Guess what? She’s fucking pregnant.