Positivity has left the building

A few weeks ago, when I attended my endometrial scratch, I asked what would happen if I didn’t produce enough follicles.  The nurse said that it would be cancelled but “that almost never happens; it won’t happen to you”.  On Easter Sunday my cycle was cancelled as I still only had one good-sized follicle.  The doctor’s advice was to take the HCG trigger on Sunday evening and try naturally this month.  My consultant rang me last night and advised that I’m likely to get the same response on the next cycle and that as I’m on the top dose of treatment there is very little that we can do except go ahead with egg retrieval and see what is collected.  He did say that as I had a few smaller follicles growing he could give me a drug that coordinates them to all grow at the same time.  That could be good.  So last week I was crying because I thought I’d only have five follicles.  This week I’m devastated that I only have one.

After investing in therapy to make me positive I had actually begun to believe that IVF would work for us.  Now I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may very well remain infertile for the rest of my life.  I can’t accept it – it actually frightens me to think I’ll never carry my own child.  My pregnant colleague makes it look so effortless – I know she’s not finding her pregnancy easy but I am so envious of her today.  I wasn’t envious a few weeks ago because I really thought it would be my turn soon.  Now I realise that it probably won’t be.

Currently I’m dosed up on HCG and Progesterone, on the off-chance that I’ve magically conceived a healthy pregnancy naturally this month.  It’s laughable really.  I feel embarrassed, as though I’m pretending that I might be pregnant.  How can I have conceived when all the medicine in the world of IVF didn’t yield a thing?

I’m also stressing because I’m stressed and if I have magically conceived then stress won’t help with implantation because it might cause my uterus to contract.  Aargh!

IVF is now on hold until June – a full twelve months after starting the IVF process (how many follicles might I have had if the CCG had simply said “yes” straightaway?).  I’m an emotional wreck which is probably a combination of normal disappointment and the cocktail of hormones I’m currently taking.  I have no other choice but to wait, but it breaks me every time there is a delay such as this.  I am heartbroken and there is no positivity left in me at present.

1, 2, 3, oh!

It’s Day 8 of my cycle so I went for a scan to check my lining and follicle growth. My lining thickness is good so that’s a relief. The not so good news is that I only have 3 follicles on the left ovary and 2 small ones on the right. Only 1 is a good size. The others will need more drugs to stimulate them to grow to a usable size. In December I had 7 follicles on day 3 of my cycle. In March I had 14 follicles on day 27. I hate to sound whingy and negative but I have to wonder why, when it really matters, have I now only got 5? I’m on the highest dose of fsh yet it seems to have had the opposite effect? And why has my previously good right ovary suddenly shut down?

The nurse didn’t have any answers and just confirmed my fears that this number is “not great” – her words, not mine.

I have another scan on Easter Sunday so we’ll hopefully see a decent improvement but I’m trying to prepare myself for bad news. The nurse stressed that it’s early days so fingers crossed the next few days brings me more follicles.

Stepping up for ICSI

After a nine-month wait (how ironic!) I am finally starting my ICSI treatment. I had my endometrial scratch two weeks ago – for those of you who haven’t had one, I have a low pain threshold (so The Boy tells me) and I coped.  It did hurt but it really didn’t last long.  It mainly hurt to speak when answering the questions that my nurse was firing, asking what type of gin I like, to distract me.  Luckily The Boy noticed and answered on my behalf.  It’s Opihr by the way – in case anyone’s wondering!  I can’t for the life of me say it, particularly after I’ve had a few …

I went to Lundy for a long weekend straight after the Scratch and quickly began to bleed, just a bit at first but it got heavier.  I wasn’t expecting this and so I hadn’t brought my IVF drugs.  Lundy has no mobile phone signal apart from in very random pockets within fields whereby a message will arrive but it’s not enough to make a call.  The only public phone is in the pub – right in the bar.  So in amongst all the other holiday-makers I had quite a frank conversation about my cervical mucus with a nurse on the phone and whether or not this was my period.  Eventually we decided it wasn’t and a few days later I had a light period (apparently the lightness is due to the Microgynon I was taking prior to the injections) and I started injecting on Day 2 of that.

I’m currently taking Gonadotropin and Buserelin – the highest doses apparently, because my consultant has decided to throw everything at it.  I’ll be having Quad therapy once they transfer the embryo/s which consists of Prednisolone, Aspirin, Heparin and Progesterone. I saw a psychic a few years ago, after my first miscarriage, and she told me I’d have IVF.  She’s been alarmingly accurate about a few things (she said my brother would marry and move abroad – he did without telling anyone!) .  She warned me to “look out for health conditions around IVF”, so naturally I’m convinced that I’m going to get OHSS!  Hopefully she means the sickness I’ve just had, which admittedly was about the IVF.  Anyway, I’m currently on Day 6 and so far, so good!  I’ve had a few twingey pains in my abdomen but nothing major.  Today I had to stop myself having a meltdown because I couldn’t make a decision about what day I’d like to go to the theatre – problems of the modern world!  My cat took control of the situation and led me to the sofa.  Other than that I’m doing fine.  I have a scan in two days to see how the follicles are growing and then I’ll have another next week.  The cycle will be cancelled if I don’t have many follicles (or eggs) so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  It seems like at every step there’s a hurdle.  I’m trying not to think about the nightmare of emotions I’m bound to encounter over the next few weeks.  I’m just taking it one day at a time.

I didn’t attach my story for Tommy’s properly last time so I’ve done it again here.  Let me know if it doesn’t work!

https://www.tommys.org/miscourage-stories/societal-norm-dictated-me-and-my-friends-how-we-should-react-my-miscarriages