A few weeks ago, when I attended my endometrial scratch, I asked what would happen if I didn’t produce enough follicles. The nurse said that it would be cancelled but “that almost never happens; it won’t happen to you”. On Easter Sunday my cycle was cancelled as I still only had one good-sized follicle. The doctor’s advice was to take the HCG trigger on Sunday evening and try naturally this month. My consultant rang me last night and advised that I’m likely to get the same response on the next cycle and that as I’m on the top dose of treatment there is very little that we can do except go ahead with egg retrieval and see what is collected. He did say that as I had a few smaller follicles growing he could give me a drug that coordinates them to all grow at the same time. That could be good. So last week I was crying because I thought I’d only have five follicles. This week I’m devastated that I only have one.
After investing in therapy to make me positive I had actually begun to believe that IVF would work for us. Now I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may very well remain infertile for the rest of my life. I can’t accept it – it actually frightens me to think I’ll never carry my own child. My pregnant colleague makes it look so effortless – I know she’s not finding her pregnancy easy but I am so envious of her today. I wasn’t envious a few weeks ago because I really thought it would be my turn soon. Now I realise that it probably won’t be.
Currently I’m dosed up on HCG and Progesterone, on the off-chance that I’ve magically conceived a healthy pregnancy naturally this month. It’s laughable really. I feel embarrassed, as though I’m pretending that I might be pregnant. How can I have conceived when all the medicine in the world of IVF didn’t yield a thing?
I’m also stressing because I’m stressed and if I have magically conceived then stress won’t help with implantation because it might cause my uterus to contract. Aargh!
IVF is now on hold until June – a full twelve months after starting the IVF process (how many follicles might I have had if the CCG had simply said “yes” straightaway?). I’m an emotional wreck which is probably a combination of normal disappointment and the cocktail of hormones I’m currently taking. I have no other choice but to wait, but it breaks me every time there is a delay such as this. I am heartbroken and there is no positivity left in me at present.