Positivity has left the building

A few weeks ago, when I attended my endometrial scratch, I asked what would happen if I didn’t produce enough follicles.  The nurse said that it would be cancelled but “that almost never happens; it won’t happen to you”.  On Easter Sunday my cycle was cancelled as I still only had one good-sized follicle.  The doctor’s advice was to take the HCG trigger on Sunday evening and try naturally this month.  My consultant rang me last night and advised that I’m likely to get the same response on the next cycle and that as I’m on the top dose of treatment there is very little that we can do except go ahead with egg retrieval and see what is collected.  He did say that as I had a few smaller follicles growing he could give me a drug that coordinates them to all grow at the same time.  That could be good.  So last week I was crying because I thought I’d only have five follicles.  This week I’m devastated that I only have one.

After investing in therapy to make me positive I had actually begun to believe that IVF would work for us.  Now I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I may very well remain infertile for the rest of my life.  I can’t accept it – it actually frightens me to think I’ll never carry my own child.  My pregnant colleague makes it look so effortless – I know she’s not finding her pregnancy easy but I am so envious of her today.  I wasn’t envious a few weeks ago because I really thought it would be my turn soon.  Now I realise that it probably won’t be.

Currently I’m dosed up on HCG and Progesterone, on the off-chance that I’ve magically conceived a healthy pregnancy naturally this month.  It’s laughable really.  I feel embarrassed, as though I’m pretending that I might be pregnant.  How can I have conceived when all the medicine in the world of IVF didn’t yield a thing?

I’m also stressing because I’m stressed and if I have magically conceived then stress won’t help with implantation because it might cause my uterus to contract.  Aargh!

IVF is now on hold until June – a full twelve months after starting the IVF process (how many follicles might I have had if the CCG had simply said “yes” straightaway?).  I’m an emotional wreck which is probably a combination of normal disappointment and the cocktail of hormones I’m currently taking.  I have no other choice but to wait, but it breaks me every time there is a delay such as this.  I am heartbroken and there is no positivity left in me at present.

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8 thoughts on “Positivity has left the building”

  1. Just catching up on your recent posts…I really am sorry that I can’t do or say anything else but send much love. Even with my own struggles and experience I doubt I can imagine fully what you’re going through. I just hope so much that wherever this journey takes you, you are surrounded by so much love and strength along the way xxx

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  2. I am so sorry. I hope that you have a positive outcome. I know it’s really hard to be positive at this time, and I can’t imagine what a cancelled cycle must feel like. This whole infertility thing is such a waiting game and it sucks. Especially to be at the mercy of the CCG. Ours delayed us for ages until they decided we were “worthy” of treatment. If we’d been in the CCG we are now in, we’d never have had our second round. I hope that you have good news soon. Hugs. X

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  3. I’m sorry this cycle hasn’t worked out as planned and I understand that positivity must be low. I hope that you do have a good outcome. If not I don’t know if it might be worth getting a second opinion elsewhere about the protocol you were on just in case there is something else that can be done to improve numbers, I’m slightly wary of suggesting it as I feel I’ve been given false hope at times myself by consultants saying they can do things differently. But at the same time it may be useful. Another thing you may want to read up on is egg banking. My old clinic offered this to women who hadn’t responded well. The idea is that you undertake 3 cycles more or less back to back and freeze the eggs collected the first two times. Then on the third go they defrost the eggs from the first 2 cycles, collect the eggs from the 3rd cycle and fertilise them all, the intention is you then end up with a few embryos to take through to day 3 or 5 rather than relying on 1 or 2. This is all so hard, and the waiting is crap. Take care. x

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    1. That’s really useful, thank you. It’s popped up a few times on forums and I did wonder if it’s worth a try. I don’t know if it’s included in the IVF funding but it might be worth a try for our private attempt. I’m definitely going to ask my consultant about it. Xx

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  4. I’ve just been catching up and I’m really sorry for you. It’s horrible to do all the injections and then only end up with one lousy egg! That happened to me during my second IVF. They say quality over quantity so it’s possible that it could still work.. I’m crossing my fingers and sending positive vibes. I also hate how hard it is for some of us compared to how easy some other women seem to have it. I’ve heard DHEA before IVF has helped some poor responders, or changing protocol. Hugs x

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    1. I’ve been put on a relatively new drug called “Elonva” this cycle which has shown promising results for some poor responders. Maybe it’s something you could also ask your doctor about. How are you doing now? x

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