A litle relief …

The scan went well. After warning the sonographer about my history – and my week! – she whipped the screen away from me before inserting the dildo-cam and asked me to give her time to look first.  But almost straight away she turned it back and showed me a much larger looking embryo than last week with a “perfect” heartbeat.  It’s measuring 8 weeks exactly so it’s had a bit of a growth spurt and is 2 days ahead.  It even wiggled its bottom during the scan – the sonographer videoed it for us!

They couldn’t locate the cause of the bleeding. They suggested that it could have been a result of me pushing the pessaries in way too far. Apparently that can cause the cervix to bleed, in addition to being on Clexane & Aspirin which hadn’t occurred to me as a possible cause.

Anyone that reads my blog regularly will know that I err on the side of pessimism and on the rare occasions I have embraced the positive it’s blown up spectacularly in my face, so for now I can’t yet allow myself to become anything other than neutral about this.  I am so relieved that my scan was positive but unless I can be attached to the dildo-cam for the next seven months I cannot be sure that it’s still fine now.  This is because with my first pregnancy I had a great scan at 8 weeks 2 days and the embryo died the next day.  So I still go to the toilet with fear and trepidation, I am still worried about every twinge and I still fear a disaster around the corner.  But I am hopeful that these feelings might begin to subside one day, hopefully if this pregnancy progresses successfully.

Thanks for the positive comments and thoughts.  I’ll take all the positivity I can get right now!

Falling down

I had hoped that I would have some good news to share.  June was the month that I was going to do my first proper ICSI cycle, regardless of how many follicles I had.  I decided I had become a real negative drain and so throughout May I switched my attention to becoming the life and soul of the party – not something I am known for!  I relaxed, I laughed, I drank gin and ate gluten and … I fell pregnant.  Cycle on hold.

This time I passed through weeks four and five with no bleeding.  I managed my stress through hypnosis and I was pretty chilled – for me!  I had a HCG test which was “sky high”.  Last week I had a scan and measured exactly where I should be: 6 weeks and 5 days with a healthy looking heartbeat.  My consultant described it as “textbook”.  Phew!  They even gave us a photo.  We’ve never had a photo before – even the sonographer became tearful at that point.

And then three days later I began to bleed.  Brown mucus at first, but today it’s progressed to red fluid.  My boobs were a bit sore until Monday – they’re not any more.  I felt a bit sick last week – I don’t any more.

I have another scan tomorrow and I’m desperate to hear that the embryo is doing well but my past experiences really don’t give me much hope.  I feel so responsible for this.  My body is failing us again.  I have worked so hard over the last three years to have a healthy baby but I fall down every time I try. And I’m not sure how many more times I can get myself back up.