Tag Archives: Hope

Hopeful & Fearful

**Trigger below**

 

Last week I took a pregnancy test on the day my period was due & two lines came up -a positive result. After my melodramatic response to my blood test results (thinking I was post-menopausal) I was relieved!  I know that this result would be awesome for many of my fellow bloggers and it is, but getting pregnant isn’t really my problem. I seem to be able to do that pretty easily now. Staying pregnant is my particular issue. This will be my sixth pregnancy  (or fourth according to the doctors who don’t count chemical pregnancies). And what’s to say this isn’t another chemical pregnancy?

As pleased as I am to be pregnant I can’t help but wait for it to fail. I don’t have the same symptoms I’ve had previously. That’s really worrying me right now because they’ve always been quite strong. My boobs are only slightly sore – I tell myself this is the progesterone pessaries balancing my hormones. I’m not really getting up to pee in the night – that’s always been one of my pregnancy symptoms – I’m trying to ignore this. The last couple of days I’ve had some cramping. The frustrating thing about this is that cramps can either be a good sign or a bad one. I’ve been banned from Google by just about everyone I know but I’ve already read enough to know that none of this is confirmation of anything. I’ve tried to relax this weekend and take in some comedy shows at a local festival & my husband and I dressed up in 40s gear & went to a swing festival yesterday. That’s Swing music – not a swingers festival! The comedy festival was so surreal. Some of my favourite comedians were walking around amongst me & Joe Public. I was super excited! We did try to talk to one comedienne but she literally turned her back to us mid-sentence. Awkward! But quite funny in itself too!

The weekend has been a great distraction for me but I still worried about standing for too long or dancing too much (in case I inadvertently unimplanted it – this is how I think!) and getting too cold (Eastern medicine is all about keeping the uterus warm) etc etc. I’m not even five weeks yet and I’m analysing every decision I make & every twinge I feel.

I keep reminding myself that this time I have Progesterone to build up the uterus lining, aspirin to prevent any clotting & IF I get to eight weeks I’ll have Heparin injections for auto-immune issues. So my chances are better. But my progesterone test was nomal, as were the blood-clotting & auto-immune tests so I’m finding it hard to feel confident as I feel like we haven’t really found the root cause yet.  I would so love to be in ignorant bliss right now, just happily enjoying these early days.

In other news a very good friend of mine who also suffered from recurrent miscarriage has just had a healthy baby. Get this: her labour lasted 132 hours!! That doesn’t even include the day & a half of early contractions she’d been having. I didn’t know it could take that long! I don’t think I want to know the details but I’m super pleased for her. She’s been my voice of experience, my voice of reason & my symbol of hope.

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Hope

I really love my job. I work with patients who have brain injuries. It’s interesting, rewarding but at times incredibly sad. In the past few days I have had the difficult task of telling patients and their loved ones that our team don’t anticipate that they’ll ever walk/speak/eat normal food again. I’ve had a mix of reactions – tears, anger, denial, gratitude, disinterest. I’ve been shouted at & cried on. This isn’t typical of my role. I typically break bad news like this 3 or 4 times a year at max – not 5 times in 3 days. And not surprisingly I really hate this part of the job.

I find it incredibly hard to know the best way to prepare people for this kind of news and it’s all I’ve been thinking about recently. Could I have done it better? Probably. There is nothing positive to gain from others’ sadness but I’m learning every day to put things into perspective. Yes, my issues are huge – to me. But I’m lucky to still have hope. Nobody’s shot that out of the water like I’ve had to do to my patients.