So last week I felt pretty sorry for myself … until I visited my herbalist. For all her wacky ways she has a way of making me feel much better. She pointed out that I’m on high doses of hormones and I’ve been on and off steroids for the last few months. She was impressed that I’ve been managing at all! Her additional take on this is that I’ve also changed a lot and when I go back to these friends I become the person I once was and I don’t like it. Interestingly my husband has said that over the last three years I’ve not wanted to go on the weekends away with these girls and I’d stopped reporting that I’d been enjoying them – my best friend echoed the same. I have changed. My personality when I’m with my new friends is much different. I’m more fun, more chilled and generally more like who I want to be. And I really don’t like becoming the whiney, stroppy girl I was last week. My herbalist thinks it needed to end in a big bang because I was clinging onto a friendship that wasn’t really going anywhere and that was actually dragging me down. I think I agree. Having reflected on the support I’ve had from them since MC number 1 it’s been pretty poor. So for what purpose do I need to keep trying?
Whilst this was happening I put up a forum post about it on a recurrent miscarriage forum and someone contacted me and asked if I’d like to meet up. It turns out we live in the same area and so we had coffee & cake on Saturday (don’t tell my herbalist!) – and she’s so lovely! So, while the door has definitely closed on the three girls from last weekend, this weekend saw a brand new door open.
I’ve also contacted some girls I’ve made tentative friendships with over the last six months and invited them out for dinner. I have friend-dates lined up every day for the next two weeks :). I am getting a new life for myself, and I should probably be grateful for the disastrous events of last weekend for giving me the kick I needed.
My herbalist also pointed out that when I was just following her advice my cycles were perfect: 28 days long, ovulation on Day 14, no mid-cycle bleeds. Now I bleed just about every day, my cycles are getting shorter and my period lasts for less than a day. She blames the chemicals (she would!). But she makes a good point. So for now because we’re just waiting for IVF anyway I’ve gone back to her regime. I’ve stopped the Cyclogest and the steroids and have picked the diet back up again (almost).
Time to get back to being the new me!
Last week I took a pregnancy test on the day my period was due & two lines came up -a positive result. After my melodramatic response to my blood test results (thinking I was post-menopausal) I was relieved! I know that this result would be awesome for many of my fellow bloggers and it is, but getting pregnant isn’t really my problem. I seem to be able to do that pretty easily now. Staying pregnant is my particular issue. This will be my sixth pregnancy (or fourth according to the doctors who don’t count chemical pregnancies). And what’s to say this isn’t another chemical pregnancy?
As pleased as I am to be pregnant I can’t help but wait for it to fail. I don’t have the same symptoms I’ve had previously. That’s really worrying me right now because they’ve always been quite strong. My boobs are only slightly sore – I tell myself this is the progesterone pessaries balancing my hormones. I’m not really getting up to pee in the night – that’s always been one of my pregnancy symptoms – I’m trying to ignore this. The last couple of days I’ve had some cramping. The frustrating thing about this is that cramps can either be a good sign or a bad one. I’ve been banned from Google by just about everyone I know but I’ve already read enough to know that none of this is confirmation of anything. I’ve tried to relax this weekend and take in some comedy shows at a local festival & my husband and I dressed up in 40s gear & went to a swing festival yesterday. That’s Swing music – not a swingers festival! The comedy festival was so surreal. Some of my favourite comedians were walking around amongst me & Joe Public. I was super excited! We did try to talk to one comedienne but she literally turned her back to us mid-sentence. Awkward! But quite funny in itself too!
The weekend has been a great distraction for me but I still worried about standing for too long or dancing too much (in case I inadvertently unimplanted it – this is how I think!) and getting too cold (Eastern medicine is all about keeping the uterus warm) etc etc. I’m not even five weeks yet and I’m analysing every decision I make & every twinge I feel.
I keep reminding myself that this time I have Progesterone to build up the uterus lining, aspirin to prevent any clotting & IF I get to eight weeks I’ll have Heparin injections for auto-immune issues. So my chances are better. But my progesterone test was nomal, as were the blood-clotting & auto-immune tests so I’m finding it hard to feel confident as I feel like we haven’t really found the root cause yet. I would so love to be in ignorant bliss right now, just happily enjoying these early days.
In other news a very good friend of mine who also suffered from recurrent miscarriage has just had a healthy baby. Get this: her labour lasted 132 hours!! That doesn’t even include the day & a half of early contractions she’d been having. I didn’t know it could take that long! I don’t think I want to know the details but I’m super pleased for her. She’s been my voice of experience, my voice of reason & my symbol of hope.
I saw my gynae Dr P yesterday. I’ve only met him twice but I think he’s the nicest doctor in the world. He took one look at my results & said “oh they’re fine”. What?! I had a list of questions written down ready to barage him with but I was totally thrown by this statement. So I’m not menopausal?? Apparently not! According to Dr P my oestrogen is excatly what I want it to be, my LH is fine (which I knew) & my FSH levels are slightly high but as I’m getting pregnant he’s not worried & high FSH levels don’t cause miscarriages apparently as they’re only important for getting pregnant in the first place. Phew!
He’s actually suggested we start trying ASAP – hurrah! I’ve done a complete 180 on my herbalist who I’d literally texted that morning to say I won’t be trying for a baby until at least August (because I am a drama queen!) & have started trying already because I appear to be ovulating at the moment. Potentially we’ve slightly missed the boat for this month but that takes some pressure off & I’m finally starting to feel relaxed again. I can tell I’m relaxed because I’m not having to fake being happy at work. I’d become so used to appearing professional that I didn’t realise I was faking cheeriness until I actually noticed myself feeling genuinely happy yesterday and it felt so different. In a really good way!
I have to take progesterone pessaries from tomorrow onwards – these sound messy! My friend who is currently 7 weeks pregnant through IVF after 4 ectopics tells me they dissolved her panty liners?!? As long as I don’t leak or squelch when I walk I really don’t mind. It’s nothing compared to the medications other bloggers have written about. I’m just super-keen to get going again. Fingers crossed . . .
Obviously I’ve been here before on numerous occasions & so I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. Luckily I have uni work to do which is a great distraction. I started a masters module for work in January, the day after I started to miscarry. I sat opposite a pregnant girl & just stared at her for two days wondering how I’d get through it but I coped (as everyone does). Writing my assignment was nigh-on impossible once I realised I had access to health journals – all I researched was “recurrent miscarriage” instead of “cognitive linguistic disorders post brain injury”. When it came to hand in my first assignment I was so ditzy that I managed to miss the deadline, freaked when I realised & submitted it 20 minutes late without finishing it. Luckily they didn’t penalise me & I discovered on Monday that I actually came out with 78%! I’m also planning to renovate my house (if I can persuade a builder to give me a quote – it’s like pulling teeth!). So I have enough to get me distracted for the next few months.